Last month, we made strides in supporting mental health within the Taiwanese American community by hosting our first event, “Dealing with Anger, Guilt, and Resentment.” Partnering with Anise Health, a provider of holistic mental health services for the Asian community, this virtual workshop addressed the complex emotions many community members face, especially those rooted in family dynamics.

Understanding that anger, guilt, and resentment often go unaddressed in our culture, we invited therapists Naomi Yu and Dr. Sean Cheng to share their insights and strategies for emotional well-being.

Here are 10 things we learned:

1. Negative emotions aren’t inherently bad—they are important signals. Dr. Sean Cheng shared that it’s helpful to view these emotions as data points rather than simply as negative experiences. By tracking our emotional responses without judgment, similarly to how we monitor our physical health, we gain valuable insights into our reactions and behavior. Naomi Yu echoed this by explaining how these emotions often reflect an underlying issue: anger often emerges when our goals are obstructed, guilt arises from actions we perceive as wrong, and resentment can signal unmet needs or boundary violations. Understanding these signals allows us to address underlying issues more effectively and use our emotions to guide us towards healthier outcomes.

2. Unpack the cultural expectations (also known as the “should’s) in order to better understand your needs and wants. Cultural influences heavily impact how we process and express emotions, particularly in collectivist societies where group harmony is often prioritized over individual expression. As Naomi Yu explained, many of us live according to “shoulds”—doing what we think we should do based on these ingrained cultural expectations. By acknowledging and challenging these cultural expectations, we can begin to shift towards a more balanced and authentic emotional expression. One way to do this is to challenge thought patterns and become more aware. Ask yourself: Where did I learn this? Where did this rule come from? What is this “should” about?

3. Setting appropriate boundaries helps prevent compromising beyond your comfort level and stops unmet needs from turning into resentment. In the Taiwanese community, we often prioritize others’ needs, sometimes at the expense of our own. This works if others also look out for you, but when they don’t, it leads to unmet needs and eventual resentment. This culture of self-sacrifice can make prioritizing your needs feel selfish, even when it’s not. Dr. Sean Cheng suggests identifying your starting point (Point A) by asking yourself what you need and want. Without this clarity, you might end up starting at Point C, already compromising more than intended given the natural instinct of anticipating and meeting other people’s needs first.

4. Shame is a barrier to self-compassion. Learn to disentangle your sense of self from feelings of shame by paying attention to how you talk to yourself. Within our community, shame often leads to self-criticism, making you feel worthless or undeserving of love. Mistakes happen, and it’s important to challenge the idea of being perfect or trying to be everything to everyone. One way to do this is by tracking in a journal how often you shame yourself each day over a few weeks, and work to separate your identity from these feelings of inadequacy. This helps encourage self-compassion, while gaining insight into your behavior and learning how to respond differently in the future.

5. Seek out “Yes!” moments. Instead of following the “shoulds” dictated by family expectations or societal success, focus on those instances that truly resonate with your values—where you feel joyful and aligned. These moments are powerful indicators of what’s truly important in your life. Notice where they occur, whether it’s when you’re being creative, connecting with others, or engaging in activities that bring you genuine delight. Experiment with different experiences to discover where your “Yes!” moments happen. Similarly, paying attention to “No!” moments—times of discomfort or dissonance—can reveal when your boundaries are crossed or when your actions aren’t in sync with your true desires. These moments are just as valuable in understanding yourself and guiding your choices.

6. Recognize default modes, but identify alternative choice points. In order to break free of the negative patterns, it’s important to recognize your default modes learned from your parents or societal expectation. From there, identify alternative choice points. You may end up choosing the same path, but your internal process may be different because of things you may be considering. And it’s helpful to slow down that automated process by saying, “Okay this was a default.” But the next time I’m encountering that situation, I have option A, B or C, and even with that I can say that that’s progress. Even if you end up with the same outcome, if your process to get there is filled with a lot more compassion, a lot more intentionality, a lot more mindfulness or self care, then you’re already breaking that cycle of negative learned patterns.

7. It’s important to acknowledge and validate your feelings, including anger toward your parents for imperfect or maladaptive parenting. As Naomi explains, the first step in healing is grieving—giving yourself permission to feel emotions like “My needs weren’t met,” “My parents weren’t emotionally available,” or “I didn’t deserve this treatment.” It’s okay to feel angry. Once you’ve allowed space for these feelings, you can begin to heal and move forward. Later on, if you can find compassion for your parents, it’s a positive sign of healing. You might think, “They let me down, but they did the best they could with what they knew, even if it wasn’t enough.” When you can hold everyone involved with compassion, it helps you come to terms with who they are, empowering you to decide what kind of relationship you want with your parents moving forward.

8. Navigating conflict is like leveling up in a game—you start with the basics and gradually take on tougher challenges. Dr. Sean Cheng uses the analogy of fighting small moblins in the forest with a wooden sword. These early battles represent smaller, less emotionally charged conflicts, where you can practice and develop your conflict resolution skills. As you gain experience and tools in communication, you become better equipped to face the “mega bosses”—the deeper, more complex conflicts, like longstanding issues with parents, with greater confidence and ability.

9. Use calming techniques to cope better with intense feelings in the moment. During emotional escalation, the part of the brain that manages impulse control can temporarily “go offline.” By focusing on lengthening your exhale, you can activate your parasympathetic nervous system—the “rest and digest” system—helping you physically slow down and bring your brain back online. This technique can help you stay grounded and manage intense feelings more effectively.

10. We shouldn’t wait for a crisis to address our mental health, just as we wouldn’t wait for a heart attack to start exercising. Many in the Asian community, including Taiwanese individuals, often view mental health through a pathological lens, associating therapy with something only needed in severe cases. However, everyone can benefit from therapy, self-care, and self-compassion, regardless of the situation. By challenging internalized stigmas and normalizing conversations about mental health, we can create a more supportive environment.

Interested in learning more about mental health topics? Visit Anise Health, explore TACL’s mental health resources, or reach out to us at wellness@tacl.org